Panel Discussion

by Susan Lobb Porter | Art | 2 comments

Oh my sweetums, today I put on my big girl pants.

But because I have no photos of that adventure and because this is an ART blog, I’m a gonna pause here for a picture break.

Yep, that’s a leaf.  They’re starting to fall now and it’s beginning to feel like autumn around here. Which leads us nicely to the adventure involving big girl pants.

And a big box home improvement store.

But first another picture break.

This is an apple from one of my trees.  She was delicious. Perfect with a little almond butter and cinnamon. More proof that autumn is on my mind.

Okay, so back to my adventure–sans photos, you’ll have to trust that it really happened. Autumn is a crazy busy time for moi. Two shows already scheduled and two more I’ll be jurying for soon enough. I decided it was time to invest in some decent display panels.

But those suckers are expensive.

I searched online and found any number of directions for making them, most of which looked, umm–let’s face it–homemade. I finally found some plans in an ebook that looked good so I ordered them. Then I lined up a friend to help with the construction and headed off to buy the materials.

 I really wanted to shop local but nobody here had the stuff I needed so I hopped in the truck and drove down the hill to the big box home improvement store.

I spent an hour or more pushing a cart that was as large and unwieldy as a boxcar, winding my way through various levels of Dante’s inner rings in search of polystyrene insulation board. Metal conduit. Indoor/outdoor carpet. I was desperate for help because I didn’t know where anything was…or what anything was. And when I did find things I had to do math–math!!! because the directions were for making only one panel and I’m making five this time around. But it’s not like I had to multiply by 5. Oh no, we’re talking inches and feet and double digits. Oh nooooooooo!

This is what I learned:

• When pushing a large cart (pushing is not the right word, it’s not nearly physical enough. Find the word that means throwing your whole body into it) they can see you coming–they being anyone who works in the store. This gives them plenty of time to hide. 
• When asking for the locations of different items, understand that there’s a good possibility the sales staff don’t know and will do anything to send you as far from their area as possible. Save yourself some time and just go in the opposite direction. And then come back because maybe they were right. All while pushing this huge sucker of a cart, blindly playing bump-a-cart with other shoppers  and running over small dogs.
• Really, who in their right mind brings Chihuahuas to the hardware store? Ah, but that plush coat shepherd, the one that reminded me of Shadow–I would’ve taken her in a heartbeat.
• Multiplying by 12 isn’t as difficult as it was in 4th grade, as long as pen and paper are handy.
• If someone isn’t old enough to shave, they’re not the person to ask for help. Especially with math.
• The ladie’s room is on the far right wall in this store, not the far back wall like it is in the other one. And next time don’t try holding it so long, especially when pushing the Queen Mary. Which is a ship, not a boxcar but still an accurate description of the cart, especially when it’s fully loaded, you can’t see over the top and you’ve got to pee like a mother.
• 4 x 8 foot sheets of anything–especially one inch foam panels–are all you need to make a pickup truck airborne at highway speeds. Do strap those suckers in tight. Even if it takes pulling over and fixing things more than once.
• Driving home on a mountain highway constantly looking in the rearview mirror to check the cargo is stressful, reason enough to stop for a bag of corn chips on the way home.

Corn chips? OMG, I forgot all about them!!! Time to close up here and take a chip break before the construction tomorrow. If things go as planned I should have some photos of some finished display panels next week. And maybe more art. Oh yes, more art. Got shows comin’ up.

Until then, remember–

 As always, I’d love you to share your thoughts in the comments below. You can talk about most anything except, umm… never mind. Just tell me your thoughts, experiences, existential angst about big box hardware stores and/or art. Or German Shepherds. Or what you had for dinner last night. I always like to hear about food.