I found sweet Lana lying by the gate today. She was dead. From the looks of things, she just keeled over. Ka-boom. Just. Like. That.
She wasn’t sick. Wasn’t in pain. And ever the sweet pony that she was, she didn’t put me in the heart wrenching position of having to make THAT decision.
She actually did me a favor dying like that. An old horse, a very old horse, moving on to wherever it is old horses go. Leaving the body she no longer needed right there by the gate. By the gate…so we could get her out of there easy peasy. If you ever even contemplated moving a dead horse you’d know how considerate that is.
Oh God, I’m going to miss her so.
Lana 1980-2013
Going to miss that deep throaty nicker every time she caught sight of me. Her boundless enthusiasm as she cantered up to the fence for dinner. Or just to say hi, as recently as yesterday. Her kick-ass I’m the boss mare attitude towards the others in the herd. Her catch me if you can shennigans when the the mood was upon her.
Lovin’ on Lana
I’m going to miss her, oh how I’ll miss her. But she didn’t go before she taught me the lesson I needed to learn, that it’s okay to open your heart, okay to risk it all by loving someone. Even when you know that someone isn’t going to be around forever. Even though that love will someday break your heart.
I wrote all about that here. And because of that lesson, I also know it’s okay to feel what I’m feeling now. Which is shitty.
Really, it’s okay.
Because shitty will pass. And when it does, the lesson learned will be stronger than ever. It’s okay to love. To feel deeply. To be vulnerable. And it’s okay to feel good again.
Thank you Lana, for teaching me that. Happy trails. Namaste. And while you’re galloping around up in pony heaven, say hi to Roy and Dale and Jesus for me.
This is where I am tonight. Warm cuppa tea, feet up, dog by my side. Sometimes, I say sometimes, a girl just gots to reflect on what’s important. Like North Korea. Syria. Monsanto. Or, in my current state…what’s on HGTV tonight.
Sometimes a girl just gots to be chill.
Because I’m not going to save the world with anger, no matter how righteous. My signature on your petition doesn’t mean squat. I cannot rescue every dog, save every child or say anything that would change a politician’s vote.
But I can make the world a little better.
Really, I can….
By letting go… Just. Letting. Go… of that over which I have no control.
Life has been all hustle bustle in Arty Life land lately. Been bordering on a sense of OVERWHELM with all that’s on my plate. Clearing out Mama’s cottage. Finding space for everything in the studio. Writing. Arting. Learning. Being.
AAAARUGH!
Until this morning. I woke up to filtered gray light and the sound of a steady rain. And then came the delicious realization that it was my day off. And with that came the proverbial fork in the road… I had a choice. OMG!!! I. HAD. A. CHOICE. I could get up and continue the pace that’s driving me into the ground or—
I could spend the morning jumping on the bed, if I wanted. Practice those handspring and cartwheels.
Or better yet, grab the iphone from the side table and start taking pictures.
Because the geometry that is my bedroom, has been my bedroom for nearly twenty years, was suddenly very interesting.
And the drizzly light coming through the curtains was soft and lovely
And there were puppies under the covers. Puppies who wanted me to roll over and grab a few more ZZZZZZZZs.
So. I. Did. Which was a big deal. HUGE. Because I tend to be a burning-the-candle-at-both-ends kinda girl.
Holy crap! I slept in!!!
And when I got up, this is what greeted me. Everything fresh and wet and smelling clean. Life-affirming, life-giving joyful spring rain.
Water everywhere. In the concrete bowl I wrote about here.
On the St. John’s Wort growing wild between the house and the barn.
In puddles along the way.
The ponies wanted room-service this morning. Wanted me to slog through the mud to them.
Not that they hadn’t been out and about before I got there. But why walk over to the fence when Mom will wait on you. Really. Why?
Back at the house there was one more thing I had to do.
Thank the rain for knocking the pollen off the trees. And tell the stuff that was already on the porch I would hose it off soon. But not today.
Because even tho there are things I should do, things I have to do—everything will get done in it’s own good time. Right now I hear a studio calling my name.
I love this time of year. Every day has a few more minutes of light. And I luvvvvvs me the light.
It makes things so much more interesting.
Like this cedar. You’ve seen it in countless pony photographs, most of them taken in the morning. The morning light is different. Softer. More diffused. And of course from the opposite direction.
But ka-boing! Check out the bling from the setting sun. The camera doesn’t begin to capture how bright it was.
A couple minutes later? Shrug. Meh. Faded glory.
It was more dramatic in the paddock. But not for long. In a few minutes all that beautiful light went away. Somewhere.
I thought the play of light and reflected color on Lana’s neck was beautiful.
Then I turned the camera on me. The sunlight was at that level where it could catch my hair, and I love what it did to it. But Lana’s back was just a little out of range by this time. If you squint you can see the faintest of outlines but that’s about it.
The sun went wherever the sun goes and I went back to the house.
A lazy afternoon. Da Boy was hangin’ out in the barn-which-is-a-shed, hiding from the bugs and the sun. He was dozing but I woke him up. Said, hey, let’s take some pictures.
He was all droopy eyed and sleepy. Between that and the lighting (dim interior contrasted with bright outdoors) I figured we were in for an arty good time. Arty meaning out of focus, blurry, light leaking PERFECT for day dreamy shots.
Sigh…these all make me very happy. There’s a time and a place for focus…and this was not one of them.
Technical info: These were taken with an iPhone 4. They were arted-up and edited in Aquarella and Photoshop. They look even better if you leave a comment down below. Really, they do. Has something to do with light bending quantum physics blogging. I read all about that on the interwebs so you know it has to be true.
