I started writing this post in a rant. A foaming at the mouth fingers burning up the keyboard RANT.
And I had good reason…I had been taunted–positively taunted–by my jeans.
Stupid jeans. Stupid size 8 skinny jeans. The ones I haven’t worn in over a year. Had the NERVE to jump out from wherever they were hiding and remind me neener neener neener…we are skinny. And YOU. Are. Not.
Effing jeans.
Then I pulled out the size NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS fat jeans. The ones that ride low enough on the hips to diffuse the muffin top. Maybe. A little. If I suck in my gut ALL the time. And throw back my shoulders like a Marine on parade. Which I don’t. But I pretend no one else can see it. And then I spend the day pulling up the jeans that are sagging on my butt while tugging down the shirt that’s riding up.
Last year at this time I was in the size 8s. And then I took care of Mama while she died and then–
Oh hell, who am I kidding. Yes, I was in the 8s last year. Maybe even the year before that. But honestly? The entire last DECADE has been up and down with the emotions, up and down on the scale. Because when stressed…I eat. No, no–I inhale anything remotely edible. And with a kid in Iraq three times, an aging mother and just life, you know, I did a lot of inhaling.
And then I’d exhale. Gain. Lose. Gain again. Lose a little. And on and on and on. I have EVERY diet book to prove it. And after reading them I have concluded the only safe food to eat is air. Because everything else packs on the pounds, is bad for the environment and KILLS YOU DEAD.
And calories? They good. They’re bad. They don’t mean a damn thing.
Awww geeze…. I just wanted to run in circles and scream because it shouldn’t be this crazy making difficult.
As it so often happens, the beginnings of the answer hit me when I was with the horses this evening. They are wise creatures indeed…because they keep their mouths shut and let me ramble on. And somewhere in the ramblings the AHA! glimmer began…I need to forget about the books and listen. to. my. body.
I was so excited I hurried back to the studio and began rewriting the post. Which was stressful. Which meant a diversion. No food in Studio Grande so I turned to the next best thing…FaceBook.
And that’s where the glimmer of AHA! became a full-on moment. It was a comment in a thread from Liv Lane’s Build a Better Blog e-class. A closed group where the students share all manner of information about growing our blogs. The comment was by fellow student AnaLisa Rutstein, MA CHHC. As I remember it, she mentioned the pleasure of savoring dark chocolate in the morning. My kind of woman. And then she mentioned being a health coach.
Well, that sounded interesting. A health coach who savors dark chocolate. Definitely my kind of woman. I decided to check out her site. The first thing that hit me was her tag line. “Helping women LOSE WEIGHT, MAXIMIZE their METABOLISM and REDUCE cravings, without deprivation, so they can gain the life they are truly hungry for.”
Hello? Wasn’t that what the ponies and I had just discussed??? Was this synchronicity in action or what?
I delved deeper into her site. Checked out her credentials. And I was impressed. Even more impressed with her philosophy of weight loss, so much so I asked for an interview.
We spoke on the phone tonight. She looks so young in the pictures but her voice sounds so wise. We spoke about life and stress. About the answer being within. About your body KNOWING what it needs. About allowing yourself to FEEL the feelings. About having compassion for yourself.
FEEL my feelings??? Might as well surf in a tsunami. My kid was in a war. My mother died. Job. Family. Money. And on and on and on… FEELINGS? I’ve been putting those suckers on hold for a long time. And compassion for myself…Whoosh. Now that’s a big exhale…. Huge.
This was an interview, not a therapy session. But as AnaLisa discussed her program I felt walls that I didn’t know I had begin to crack. And I knew the most compassionate thing I could do for myself was enlist her help.
So I did. I signed for her Jumpstart. Six 45 minute one on one coaching sessions. Handouts and experiential exercises. E-mail support.
Afterwards, as I was kicking myself for spending the money, because really, there are other things in this world to invest in…I stopped and thought, whoa…how could I NOT invest in myself. Because this is my life we’re talking about.
As I work with AnaLisa I’ll be sharing this journey with you. Not the gory parts, but the illuminations.
Because it’s all part of living the Arty Life.
.
this post is the BEST. those skinny jeans can kiss my skinny pinky finger. After this third pregnancy and all the stress of moving and this and that, none of my clothes fit because I’m all my parts are bigger and smaller than they used to be. so all the skinny stuff sags in the wrong places and makes other places look like a stuffed sausage, muffin top galore, looking four months prego always and yes, dark chocolate in the morning sounds perfect. What is it with this relationship with food. and, more importantly, how can I teach my daughter a different way. thinking about this stuff a lot. loved reading your post. so funny and poignant too. heading over to analisa’s STAT.
Susie, of all the things you said the thing that JUMPS OUT at me is ‘how can I teach my daughter a different way’. Oh man…that’s the crux of it. Raising our daughters and sons to understand and except who they are inside, to LOVE themselves…
Ahhh… now that’s a good thing! xo
Susan- thanks for sharing something that is obviously very personal yet effects many of us. Look forward to following your journey!
As you said, Sue, it’s personal. And yet so many of the women I know are in the same situation to one degree or another. And maybe had I shared these feeling originally, even with MYSELF, then I wouldn’t be in the situation that I’m in right now. XO
Wow, that’s fantastic! I’m looking forward to following your journey too. Em
Em, XO!
Susan, Your words touched me and I so relate to you. I have similar feelings as I’ve been trying to get back in my 8 skinnys but feel like a marshmallow. Taking good care of my husband and 4 young kids leaves me feeling exhausted. I’m trying to give myself a little more care too. Can’t wait to read your journey.
Warmly, kathy
I hear you Kathy. We put our families first, dismissing our own needs. And yet think of how much better partners and parents we might be if we loved ourselves as much as we love them… This will be an interesting journey indeed. : )
I can so relate to your post, especially the jeans part. I recently broke down and bought a pair of jeans with a stretchy waist, something I swore I would never do. My other jeans were so tight they were painful. Now I am just trying to be moderate, which is hard for an all or nothing type of person. Thanks too for the link to the health coach. Something for me to consider!
The stretchy waist jeans so flexible you can do yoga in them, Rebecca? Oh, I’m familiar with them indeed. As well as their sister jeans a size or two or three larger.
As for the link…when the time is right, the student is ready. Or something like that… : )
Good for you. I am finding it hard to type with tears in my eyes. I stuggle with many of the same things. I do think loving and accepting yourself and listening to yourself are keys. Also having compassion because I think you had good reasons for eating but maybe a different response would have been more helpful for your overall health. I don’t know. I am trying to understand it myself.
I’m not surprised you do, Patti. I think this is the underlying cause of so many of our issues in this life. I have no trouble showing compassion for others, I work in a job that pulls that out of me day after day. But showing that same compassion to myself…sigh…this will be new territory for me. xx
How wonderful! I love it when people connect that one… and we can all see the importance about mentioning dark chocolate. It led to a serious connection! I really do feel for you on your mom and son. Be kind to yourself.
Thanks, Marjie. Dark chocolate is the connector of all things good, the keeper of the signs… : )
As for being kind to myself, I’m working on it. Just being aware makes all the difference. xo
you are my best sister susie and deeply loved!! your blog the 8th is beautiful, you touch all of us. I miss our mom really bad too, am home with the flu and fever, wearing her sweater I knit for her, for comfort,
and missing you!
This part of your site will be great to follow!
hugs and kisses and love from margie
Feel better sweetie! xoxoxoxoxo
You had me hanging on to every word here… excellent post. Love and light on the amazing journey that lies ahead of you!