Chocolate is calling to me. Not the good kind, the 88% full of anti-oxidents it’s-so-damn-healthy-you-can-eat-it-for-breakfast-and-you’re-happy-with-just-a-smidge-of-a-bit kind. Oh nooooooo, I’m hearing the seductive call of it’s evil twin, a well known brand of milk chocolate that tastes like…well, it tastes like my childhood. All sweet and sugary. Laden with fat and chock full of stuff that makes my inner nutritionist cringe. But that doesn’t matter. Doesn’t matter at all because even if it glowed in the dark from radiation (and it might) what the hell…I WANT IT! And I WANT. IT. NOW!!!
I could eat a one pound bar All. By. Myself. In fact, I would go all ferrel and snap and snarl and growl threateningly at anyone who even looked at it, much less tried to take it away.
And after that, I would round out the day with potato chips. Salty yummy greasy crunchy chips. YAY!!! Let’s hear it for–
For what? Am I hungry? Umm…no. I just had lunch. A nice chicken tostada with extra guac and greens. To be perfectly honest (which I rarely am when it comes to food) there’s NO vacant real estate in belly land right now.
Then why do I feel the need to eat? Especially something loaded with sugar and fat and salt? Stuff that’s no good for me. That makes me hyper and tired all at the same time. That makes me look like I come from a long line of Sumo wrestlers.
WHY?
I’ll tell you why in a couple of minutes. But first go read a post I wrote back in February. Because even though I’m sounding desperate right now, I’m not. But I was back then.
Before I met AnaLisa Rutstein, MA CHHC. Before I took part in her Jump Start Program. Which was NOT a diet but six 45 minute one-on-one phone calls exploring and clarifying my issues around food. With handout and e-mail support.
That’s a whole lot of AHA! moments, believe me. A whole lot of getting back in touch with myself. Slowing down. Breathing. Meditating. Understanding the emotional triggers that send me scurrying to that bag of chips.
My emotional triggers? The biggest one…stress. But not stress like the car broke down or I had words with DearDaughter. The top hit on my personal Stress O’Meter…creativity. Or the insecurities I have surrounding my creative endeavors.
WTF??? Whack upside the head. My whole life is one big creative endeavor. Painting. Writing. Starting a biz…. No wonder my ass is so big.
Does this mean if I want to wear those skinny jeans again I’m going to chuck it all, get a 9-5 somewhere, a boring 9-5, and call it a day?
No. It means when I’m sitting at the computer searching for the exquisite turn of phrase, the perfect thing to say and I find myself getting all jittery and jumpy as a tweaker and I NEED to stuff my face with the bad bad bad bad BAD stuff so I don’t have to THINK…it means I now have the tools to deal with that. Tools like BEING AWARE of what I’m doing. And why I’m doing it. So I can redirect myself by breathing, by acknowledging the emotion, by any number of little MINDFUL diversions.
The chocolate up there? The stuff I really, really wanted? I had some. But not a lot. It was a choice I made consciously. I didn’t have nearly as much as I would’ve six weeks ago. And honestly? If you’d come by and wanted some, that’d be okay. I wouldn’t have gone all ferrel on you.
I might’ve even shared.
Change of subject: Whoo-hoo! Over here! Be sure to check out my new FaceBook page. There’s art. New art every day. Imagine that!!! And if you click the ‘like’ button at the top of the FB page I will like you forever and be your BFF. Because I likes me those ‘likes’. So go ahead, do that RIGHT NOW because you wouldn’t want to forget or anything, right?
Great post – but not always easy to live mindfully! Some days life can sure make you reach for that chocolate!
I’m loving your fb posts – already hit ‘like!’
Ha, I’m hearing you Judy. New idea for a bumper sticker, “Mindfulness has its moments”
Glad you’re liking the fb posts. So easy to throw in a photo and a couple of words and remain connected. xo
Am I missing the link to sign up for your blog by email? I’d love to get them! 🙂 Great blog.
Thanks, Sue. The link you want is on the home page upper right. : )
Oh my goodness does this this one stike a chord… or several thousand!
The second thigns get chellenging in the creative zone (which is, like ALL. THE. TIME!) I want to escape, and especially to eat.
Things that have helped me:
1) Setting a timer, and keeping my ASS IN THE CHAIR until it goes off.
2) Learning to “surf the urge,” which is what Kelly McGonigal calls it in her new book, The Willpower Instinct. If you can “surf the urge” (meaning FEEL IT, but don’t act on it) for one minute, that’s proof that you can surf the urge for another minute. And so on.
Ultimately, awareness is key to EVERYTHING good in my life, I think. It doesn’t make the creative challenge spot any less excruciating, but it helps keep me from what Ze Frank calls the “cheese monster.” 😉
Great post, Susan! Thanks for sharing this!